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depression, faith, Faith - Strength, God

Surrender  

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It’s been a while since I have written anything for The Fire Within. Over the last few months, my life has changed in a big way and the Lord has been working on me and giving me things I need to learn.  

My life changed this year by having my son. Last year I started praying to God to change my heart to be ready to have a child. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I was still trying to pursue my career, and, in all transparency, I was terrified of becoming a mother. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be good at it, and I would be a failure. As I continued to pray to God about changing my heart, he started to impress upon me that he did create me for a purpose and that he did create me to be a mother. It was a gentle massage of the heart for months. Then one day as I was on a prayer walk God gave me a name. At that moment I felt the Holy Spirit give me the nudge, ‘you are ready’.  

Several months later I became pregnant and then the real journey began. I thought that just praying for my heart to be prepared was the hard part but that was only the tip of the iceberg. I was elated to find out that I was pregnant with our first child yet something inside of me still felt a little off.  

Because of the new hormones and growing a baby my body found a new wave of exhaustion that I had never experienced before. I didn’t have the energy to get up early to do my devotionals or go to the gym as I had grown accustomed to doing, not to mention I had to limit my coffee intake so that really threw a wrench into my morning routine (my veins have coffee in them). Then I realized that I needed to clean out my home office to make room for the baby. Then it hit me all at once. My body was longer my own, my home was no longer just for my husband, myself and our dog, my life was no longer the same. We were adding a new addition. My world was changing. You might be thinking, well yeah Morgan, your life is going to change because you are having a baby but this change was different. I felt like I was losing parts of myself and gaining a new identity that I didn’t know.  

Please don’t misunderstand me I was happy to be pregnant, I was excited, but I was also scared and anxious.  

As I worked through my emotions, I realized that when I prayed to have a change of heart for pregnancy the change hadn’t fully occurred yet because the real change was learning to fully surrender to the will of God. To surrender I have to lose myself and gain God’s identity for me.  

Romans 12:1-2 states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.  

The significance of my body not being my own was realizing that my body was never mine to begin with, my body is a temple for God to dwell in so that he may use me to reach others. This home that I thought was mine is not, it’s a place to God to dwell and minister to those that I open the door to. My baby is not mine; he is the Lord’s child that he has blessed me with to take care of.  

Following Christ isn’t about keeping my body, my former lifestyle, doing things the way Morgan has always been doing things. It is about trying to do the will of God, God’s way.  

Following Christ is about surrendering my body and my soul to his plans and following his leadership through obedience and discipline. This is a daily surrender this isn’t a one and done kind of deal.  

Being pregnant I needed to change things in my life to ensure protection for my baby. Taking prenatal vitamins, limiting caffeine, continue to exercise, making room in our house for the baby’s room, allowing my body to slow down to give energy to my child and my body to grow to give room for my child to grow.  

With God every day is different, challenging me to grow deeper in relationship with him, yet he is constant. He is faithful, his love surrounds us in the world around us. By connecting to his word we can open our eyes and our hearts more clearly to his blessings around us. He provides when we don’t see a way, He give us strength when we are weak, He listens to us when we cry, and he listens when we sing praises to His name.  

My life isn’t about me, it’s about how God will work through me for the furthering of his kingdom. It’s about how God can work through me and on me to reach others around me.  

Dear Heavenly Father, I praise you that you created all of us, on purpose for a purpose. I pray that you will work within us to surrender to you daily and that you will use us to further your kingdom. Lord, I pray for the person that is far from you that they may be drawn into you, I pray for the person that is crippled with fear and anxiety and I pray that you will give them courage to overcome their fears and peace to calm their anxiety. Lord, I pray that we look to you daily that we may push forward in your name. Thank you for our many blessings and continue to be with us. In your son’s name. Amen.  

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Consistent

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“but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The love of God is constant. From when we are on fire to when we are sinning God loves us. Our relationship with the Lord has to be constant to receive his word. We can’t just jump in one day and say hey Lord love you, thank you and be gone the next until a tornado rips through our lives then we come back. He will still love us even if we do that but our ability to withstand the tornado is stronger when we have that constant relationship with God. It doesn’t mean the tornado isn’t coming it just means that he will give you the strength to withstand. He allows us to come back after our period of separation and covers us in His grace and provides help but when we have the constant connection with him we start to see him in the midst of the storm instead of allowing the storm to consume us.

I used to be the person that would circle back to God when my life was messy and in what felt like shambles. I would go back to the same verses and pray that things would get better and they eventually did and then I would leave God right where I found Him until I needed him again.

Would we like it if God had that kind of relationship with us? I don’t need to use you right now, so peace out? No, we wouldn’t stay around for that, but the best thing is that we serve an amazing Father that is patiently waiting on us to come back, just like the father of the prodigal son with open arms.

But seeking God constantly helps to see him in the midst of the storm. Over the years I have wrestled with depression and still do but now on the days when I wake up heavy I cry out to God, I spend more time in the word, I seek him first because I know that this feeling will eventually pass and my God will help me see past the immediate pain I am in to continue to press forward to what is past the depressive episode.

Seeking him is hard at first until you feel the arms of the father surround you even on your darkest day.

I have laid on the floor, crying out to God, just hoping that he will hear me. I cry out in agony just wanting to feel the comfort, to feel something other than the pain, the heaviness and even when I can’t speak, and all I have is tears, he meets me right where I am. It’s not like I feel a person hug me but my heart feels this peace that I know can only come from God. It’s this stillness that comes over me and gives me something to hold on to.

Being consistent takes time.

Maybe it starts by circling back at first when life is messy but I challenge you to remember those moments when he meets you where you are. Hold those times in your heart, commit them to memory when the Lord shows up. Because when you think back it will create a calling to be close to the Lord again because you know of his grace and strength. Follow that calling. Even when you don’t feel that calling, keep searching for the Lord.

In the hard moments I encourage you to pray, talk to the Lord. Grab the bible and start to read. Turn on worship music and start to praise the Lord. When you call out and search for him he will be right there to meet you. He wants a relationship with you.

I chose the verse from 2 Corinthians because Paul was dealing with pain. He knew anguish, he knew that life was hard and he had to overcome but he knew that with God he could overcome the pain. God is our main resource, our life line. Where we are weak God shows his strength. He picks up where we leave off.

When I encounter depressive episodes, no matter how tired I am to read a devotional, even if its only 5 minutes. I turn on worship music and I talk to God and tell him I am in pain, I am hurting and I don’t understand why but I need you. I need your strength to get through this day. I need your strength to get me through and he meets me where I am. My days are far from perfect and the depression doesn’t go completely away but it doesn’t control my mind. I start to feel lighter each time I turn to him. I also know that I must take care of myself in those moments to equip myself to be strong so that God has good equipment (me) to use to work on. That means for me working out, eating right, getting more sleep, letting my husband know that I am in a funk, and being honest with myself that I am struggling and I need God.

I need God everyday but especially those days when I am in a dark place. He is there for you as well. You just have to reach out to him. The love of God is constant, start consistently moving towards Him and you will experience a love like no other, a peace that is beyond understanding. He is calling for you even in the moments when you feel alone, scared, anxious, tired, angry, hurt.

When you make it out of the darkness remember to praise His name and remember what He has done.

Lord I pray for the person that read this post. I thank you for them and that they are here for the purpose you placed on their life. Lord I ask that you draw near to them and remind them of your strength. Remind them that you will not leave them. I pray that you will surround them with your peace that only you can provide and show them what it is like to truly know you. Lord bless the person reading this post, the people in their lives and help them where they are struggling. Meet them right where they are. In your sons name, amen.

I do not own the rights to this song but love Elevation Worship and Brandon Lake. This is an amazing song about God’s love.